I love Cambridge sometimes. I love the way it feels. I love the presence of the traditional mixing with the modern. I love the quirky back streets. I love the voices you hear. I love the music played.
Tonight, as I was walking down one of the backstreets home from babysitting my Mum's ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's son, I heard someone playing a saxophone from their attic. Just jamming, late at night, having some fun. Just how quaint and beautiful is that? Somehow, I just don't think you could get something like that in any other city.
It's the little things that make me smile.
And I'm glad, for myself, that I smile sometimes now. For a while I have been feeling pretty sad, and to be honest, actually breaking down in tears most days. From this I do things I don't mean. For instince I told my Dad and sister to both fuck off yesterday night, and then promptly broke into tears in the kitchen.
It's almost as if I'm doing life the wrong way round. Most people are generally happy until something or someone makes that change. But me, I'm generally unhappy, and the little things like the quaintness of the Cambridge backstreets make me smile.
And since realising this, I have decided to do something about it.I'm giving myself head space. Trying not to pressurise myself into too many commitments. For example, I have quit my youth group for the time being, which just releases part of the frustration which inevitabley leads me to saddness because I cannot commit as much as I said I would. That was the first step.
My second step is to talk to my boss to see if me becoming full time isn't going to be too stressful. I'm going to ask whether I can get my days off in the week to be in clumps, so I can see my Mum more often then I sparcely do now.
My third step is to sort out this gap year trip to Australia.
The steps are daunting. I'm not that organised, yet I am determined.
