I hate the way I am now. I hate the way I smile, the way I dress, my job, my house, the way I am with family and friends. I'm stupidly disorganised, which gives people extra pressure and stress. I moan constantly about what I have or don't have.

Why can I not just be happy?

It's almost as if I go purposely out of my way to do this. I don't tidy up after myself, I don't make lots of lists telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I leave myself open to get hurt by friends, and take their statements the wrong way. I end up crying at stupid things. Feeling horrible and guilty.

I haven't a backbite either. I never fight back. Why should I if the cost could be losing my friends? But all the same, the amount of times I have wanted to rage into an oblivion because of people's actions is enough to make me an absolute cut-off stone bitch. Usually, then, people think there's something wrong and I just use the excuse of 'I'm missing my mum' because people usually don't ask many more questions except for the 'How is she doing?' thing.

((Not that I don't miss my mum. I do. A lot. But having that is such a relief when you don't want to share, or the person who is pissing you off is asking you what's wrong))

Whenever someone is pissing me off, I always wonder afterwads, why I never just say, 'You know what. Fuck. Right. Off.' and I come to the conclusion that I simply can't. I hate hate hate confrontations. I used to have them with my Dad a hell of a lot. He was my place of blame for everything that was going wrong in my life throughout my teenhood. But because we are so similar, neither of us could let the other win. I would enter my form room in floods of tears and not tell anyone why, because my Dad worked at the same school that I went to, and I wouldn't want it going back to him (even though it probably always did) At another time I ended up in the bathroom with a razor.

These arguements always left me feeling I was the one to blame. So naturally, all arguements I have leave me feeling rubbish and guilty and probably in tears. So I never argue, I never fight back.

And despite this, not arguing and just accepting then apoligising just makes me feel worse. But then that's the messed up inner workings of Nicholin's mind.

So, I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was different. I wish I was cleverer, cooler, less fat, more attractive, organised and have a quick-witted comeback section in my brain. But I know I never will, because think about it, I'm typing this here instead of telling someone.