1. My uncle once: embaressed me totally by dancing with me at my sister's eighteeth.

2. Never in my life: will I know what to do.

3. When I was five: I drank watered down wine in a resturant in France.

4. High school was: bad at the beginning, but better once I made the friends I wanted.

5. I will never forget: who I am inside.

6. Once I met: Billy Ocean, my biggest claim to fame. He shook me by the hand and said "Hello Nichola," after my Dad introduced me.

7. There’s this boy I know: who I think would be perfect for me, if only I fancied him.

8. Once, at a bar: I made a fool of myself trying to get free drinks.

9. By noon, I’m usually: just waking up.

10. Last night: I was crying, a lot.

11. If only I had: a more comfortable finance situation.

12. Next time I go to church: I would like to feel at peace with myself. But then maybe I need to attend church to get that.

13. What worries me most: my family.

14. When I turn my head left I see: A ppile of boxes and a Doctor Who poster.

15. When I turn my head right I see: Ian McKellon's autograph.

16. You know I’m lying when: I tell you I am. Pretty good liar me.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: being in the womb??

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Horatio, he doesn't get murdered.

19. By this time next year: I will be shit-scared for university.

20. A better name for me would be: Neurotic Twatface.

21. I have a hard time understanding: my father.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: talk to the teachers, but runaway if Miss Cannie comes near me.

23. You know I like you if: I want to talk to you all the time.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: my siblings.

25. Take my advice, never: get your parent's divorced when your nine and the third child. Messed me up for life.

26. My ideal breakfast is: Grandma's Christmas breakfast, but in bed with someone I love.

27. A song I love but do not have is: Jackson - Johnny Cash and June Carter.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: go punting, proper Cambridge style.

29. Why won’t people: stop buying and selling other human beings.

30. If you spend a night at my house: you'll be on the sofa. Fact.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: David Tennant?

32. The world could do without: wars.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: become Atheist. I just *can't* see the appeal.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Georgia Moffett and Jonny Wilkinson.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: bookmarks. As bookmarks.

36. If I do anything well it’s: making myself feel like an utter twat.

37. I can’t help but: be myself. Sorry.

38. I usually cry: at everything.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: 'Look to the future. The past will sort itself out'

40. And by the way: if you've read this far, you must really be bored.

I love Cambridge sometimes. I love the way it feels. I love the presence of the traditional mixing with the modern. I love the quirky back streets. I love the voices you hear. I love the music played.

Tonight, as I was walking down one of the backstreets home from babysitting my Mum's ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's son, I heard someone playing a saxophone from their attic. Just jamming, late at night, having some fun. Just how quaint and beautiful is that? Somehow, I just don't think you could get something like that in any other city.

It's the little things that make me smile.

And I'm glad, for myself, that I smile sometimes now. For a while I have been feeling pretty sad, and to be honest, actually breaking down in tears most days. From this I do things I don't mean. For instince I told my Dad and sister to both fuck off yesterday night, and then promptly broke into tears in the kitchen.

It's almost as if I'm doing life the wrong way round. Most people are generally happy until something or someone makes that change. But me, I'm generally unhappy, and the little things like the quaintness of the Cambridge backstreets make me smile.

And since realising this, I have decided to do something about it.I'm giving myself head space. Trying not to pressurise myself into too many commitments. For example, I have quit my youth group for the time being, which just releases part of the frustration which inevitabley leads me to saddness because I cannot commit as much as I said I would. That was the first step.

My second step is to talk to my boss to see if me becoming full time isn't going to be too stressful. I'm going to ask whether I can get my days off in the week to be in clumps, so I can see my Mum more often then I sparcely do now.

My third step is to sort out this gap year trip to Australia.

The steps are daunting. I'm not that organised, yet I am determined.

I hate the way I am now. I hate the way I smile, the way I dress, my job, my house, the way I am with family and friends. I'm stupidly disorganised, which gives people extra pressure and stress. I moan constantly about what I have or don't have.

Why can I not just be happy?

It's almost as if I go purposely out of my way to do this. I don't tidy up after myself, I don't make lots of lists telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I leave myself open to get hurt by friends, and take their statements the wrong way. I end up crying at stupid things. Feeling horrible and guilty.

I haven't a backbite either. I never fight back. Why should I if the cost could be losing my friends? But all the same, the amount of times I have wanted to rage into an oblivion because of people's actions is enough to make me an absolute cut-off stone bitch. Usually, then, people think there's something wrong and I just use the excuse of 'I'm missing my mum' because people usually don't ask many more questions except for the 'How is she doing?' thing.

((Not that I don't miss my mum. I do. A lot. But having that is such a relief when you don't want to share, or the person who is pissing you off is asking you what's wrong))

Whenever someone is pissing me off, I always wonder afterwads, why I never just say, 'You know what. Fuck. Right. Off.' and I come to the conclusion that I simply can't. I hate hate hate confrontations. I used to have them with my Dad a hell of a lot. He was my place of blame for everything that was going wrong in my life throughout my teenhood. But because we are so similar, neither of us could let the other win. I would enter my form room in floods of tears and not tell anyone why, because my Dad worked at the same school that I went to, and I wouldn't want it going back to him (even though it probably always did) At another time I ended up in the bathroom with a razor.

These arguements always left me feeling I was the one to blame. So naturally, all arguements I have leave me feeling rubbish and guilty and probably in tears. So I never argue, I never fight back.

And despite this, not arguing and just accepting then apoligising just makes me feel worse. But then that's the messed up inner workings of Nicholin's mind.

So, I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was different. I wish I was cleverer, cooler, less fat, more attractive, organised and have a quick-witted comeback section in my brain. But I know I never will, because think about it, I'm typing this here instead of telling someone.