I do one thing most mornings now. (Well, apart from think "I should really go for a run and keep up my fitness") Most mornings, it seems to occur that I cry just a little.
To be completely honest I don't really know why. Well, no, that's a lie. I do know why, but I don't know why it makes me cry the way I do most mornings. My mum has bone cancer. And ever as I write this now I can feel my throat constricting as I begin to choke up and the water fighting through at the backs of my eyes. There are lots of saddening aspects of bone cancer. Most importantly is that it's incurable, only controllable. That's it, my mum is going to have a controlled cancer forever.
I cry each morning because I can't help but think pessimistic thoughts. Scenarios in my head appear that make the future life I would lead unbearable. The most common scenario is 'What if my mum dies?' which leads onto much more unthinkable questions like 'Would I be able to speak at her funeral? What happens to us? What happens to my little sister? Who will she live with when my step-dad works away all week? Will she grow up not knowing us so well since my mum won't be there?'
It's horrible. I feel like I shouldn't think these things. I need to be positive for my mum's sake. But behind closed doors, even to my friends, I'm in pieces. I feel as if my emotions are unstable. So much so that things people say irritate me more then ever. People irritate me more then ever nowadays.
*sigh*
Yes, so I cry at home when I'm alone, usually in the mornings, because my heart aches when I think about my mum.
2008-07-03 @ 18:41