Ha - I have just realised that I am doing exactly what the title of my blog says. I am listening to some 70s Rock (Little Willy - Sweet), drinking tea and wanting to watch Doctor Who, especially some series one. But sadly, as most of my house has now been packed up - I can't get to my DVDs. Maybe youtube will suffice.

Today I finally made the decision that UCAS has been begging everyone to know. However, as I go to the website to log in and say 'I want to go here' I realise I have forgotten my password to actually do it. I'm going to wait till I'm back at college to see what the careers advisor can do for me.

That's all for today.

I had the BEST cup of tea I have ever made this morning at around 5am. It was, honestly, immense. I don't know how I did it in my dazed state but my word it was fantastic.

Maybe I should make all my cups of tea in PJs at dawn. Oh, and it was in my new Dalek cup.

Although I am working today, I'm feeling incredibly happy and I want the day to continue like this.

This blog I am just going to write about the events, so far, of my day and comment on them. It a different way for me to approach my blogs, but what the hell. Lets go for it.

This morning, Easter Monday, I woke on the grand old time of 10.39am. I smiled at myself, glad that I had got into my holiday mode already. As I was so comfortable and warm in my bed, I decided upon a good few chapters of New Moon by Stephanie Meyer, the sequel to highly rewarded Twilight. Which was good and I felt so releived when Bella finally figured out what Jacob is. I mean take your bloody time! I worked it out ages ago...

Next I got up and naturally checked my Facebook and Hotmail, both of which had nothing particually interesting so I went downstairs to get breakfast. Tonic water and a slice of bread with just jam. Yum. My big bro, who was then in the living room, suggested we walk to the local M&S food store and get breakfast/lunch as it was then noon. We bought a fry up, and went popped into Virgin/Zavvi and he bought some Top Gear DVDs - the one where they go to the North Pole and the one where they travelled across America - both of which were hysterically funny. Who can forget Hamster nearly being shot for having 'Man Love Rules OK' on the side of his pick-up truck? And the cow on top of Jezza's muscle-murdering car? Then May and Clarkson having a G&T whilst driving in the Artic circle...

Love Top Gear.

Big Bro went off to work and I went back to my room and watching the Torchwood episode Fragments again, and am now downloading 4od which takes it's time. In the mean time I am washing clothes and cleaning my room - sort of. I have de-cluttered my sisters bed into two halves. Important paperwork and notes from college and then dirty washing yet to be taken downstairs.

However, my day considerabley cheered up when I found my David Tennant autograph in the midst of my ever mountaining collection of Doctor Who Magazines and a collection of payslips from Starbucks.

I love holidays.

I've just come back from our Easter Sunday meal at my brother's pub. It wasn't as joyous as the majority of meals I have had there. Mostly because of the conversation between my family and I on the way there.

My Dad brought up the question of 'Who in the house should do the washing up, do you think?'

This is an ongoing argument/friction cause in the Martin household. When my Dad asks my brother and I a question like that, it actually means 'Why am I the only one doing the washing and why aren't you two helping out around the house? Why is it my responsibility to keep the house clean?'

He is right in the fact that I do not do the washing up everyday, and I admit it. I could always do more, I could always do less. But when I have four/five hours of homework every night and eight hour shifts of Starbucks at the weekend, as well as rugby training, I have less time then he does, especially in the evenings. I said to myself at the beginning of the year that my A-levels and getting the grades for University come first, and it will stick that way.

So overall, in the car on the way to my brother's pub, both me and my brother get in a bad mood caused by my father's 'right to complain'. We get there and Ant starts to work, whilst my Dad and I sit down and order. Roast beef for him, Caesar salad for me.

And then there was silence.

My Dad had bought a newspaper and read that. I sat there thinking my chicken was too tough and how I wish I wasn't sat there, but in my room watching Torchwood or reading New Moon.

So much for a good Easter eh?

But on the plus side, it SNOWED this morning.

A question I ask myself all the time: Why am I so paranoid?

I always feel theres an inside joke I am not part of. A conversation I won't understand. A facial expression I won't get. This leaves me feeling distanced, as as decribed in an earlier blog, out of touch. I'm that Harry Potter book again.

I haven't changed. I don't think I have anyway. But something has, the dynamics of the friendship group I'm in. They fly by like swings and roundabouts and until now, I haven't felt a swing so dramactically as I just have, at least not on my account. People have gotten closer and I feel I'm being pushed away. It's like, they're holding onto the rails of the roundabout, and holding out a hand occassionally to save someone from the swing, whilst letting me go and take the swing like a slap in the face.

Do I just go with it? Accept the change even though it's made me so miserable? Or do I fight? Be selfish and fight for what I want?

But then again, is this just me exaggerating nothing in my head?

IS THIS JUST ME BEING PARANOID?

So I am asking, anyone out there, what is the right thing to do?

Because, right now, at this moment, I'm hanging from a weak thread of indecision.

Have you ever felt so out of touch that you felt like giving up on trying?

That's what I felt today, and yesterday, and pretty much the last couple of weeks or so. Things happen which you'd think you'd be part of, but you aren't, and just feel lost afterwards. I'm generally a paranoid person, and I admit it. But there's paranoia, and just downright, blatent, ignorance. Whether it be deliberate or not.

I feel like I'm that Harry Potter book which is on your shelf, but isn't the one that gets reread constantly. We all have one, be it Harry Potter, or that James Bond DVD, or any series you have on your shelf. There's always one which you turn to if you need it. You might be watching/reading chronologically, or theres that specific part of the plot line thats intergrel to the series. But that one book/DVD is never a favourite, it's the one you turn to look up the spelling of a character's name or something along those lines.

That's me. I'm there when I'm needed. But there's always someone better to turn to otherwise.

I'm out of touch. Not needed. Unnecessary. Almost forgotten.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I've noticed my first two blogs were a bit drab and, well, crap. My life isn't that bad, I can assure you. It could be a lot worse.

I mean, let's imagine I could be in the imperial family of ancient rome, which means that by now, I would have had three husbands and four kids each with different fathers and fearing for my life because I'm an obstacle for Livia to make Tiberius emperor.

If only...

(You'd have never had known I had just watched the first two episodes of I, Claudius - would you?)

You know, its odd how long you can go without laughing. Right now, for me, it's been about three and a half weeks. I haven't laughed since I was in Rome, on a Classics trip. But by even the end of that it wasn't as funny as when we began.

Some really shitty things are happening in my life at the moment. However, they are the same shitty things that have been happening on and off constantly for the past five years or so. Maybe thats why no one has really noticed or bothered to ask as they'll get the same answer. It's the same record, being played and played over again. But it's not wearing thin, it's the same rigid shape as it was when it started.

Course, there are a few scratches here and there. Places where the record had been played extremely hard. Whether that's because it was a real low or I've screamed so loudly for help. Usually that happens around the same time, however.

We're moving house again. That's part of the record - I think it must be an eight minute song. This'll be the ninth time I have moved. I tell people that certain statistic and they reply something along the lines of 'Woah, I've only moved once in my life' or even the more extreme 'I was born in the same room as I sleep in now'. I'm so envious of those people. They have a sense of stability that I have not. I'll probably go away to university at one city and come home to a little village just outside. I don't think my dad thinks its a big deal to move so much. He lived in Germany and Yeman and places like that throughout his childhood. My grandparents were part of the RAF you see.

Back to laughing... I just need a good day.

And a new knee/doctor.

Blogging is an odd invention really. When it comes down to it, blogging is a type of diary writing - musings and anecdotes of ones life.Everyone had some sort of diary - be it in their head, their computer or a notebook.

However, these writings were private once. They were in those books teenagers kept under their pillows, old men with their posh librarys in their desk drawers. In History we read extracts from Goebbels diary - his thoughts and musings on what can only be described at the most drastic period of modern, if not all, history. He wasn't intending to publish it. Of course, some of it was saying how he was great. I recall one bit saying that Hitler has taken on his idea of 'total war'. Why say that with intent to publish if you *may* (using that word lightly) losing the 'total war'? From inference, therefore, we can tell that diaries are personal, and not being intended to be published. So why place them on the web for all to see?

Maybe that's what mankind needs now. We've expanded the physical barriers as far is scientifically possible. We've walked on the moon, and I'm fairly certain, though not sure, have reached other planets by satellites, so why not in the electronic world?

But how far does that stretch into the emotional world?

It's a musing I would like to experiment with...so here it goes.

I haven't had much experience with this. Infact, none at all. Only to read a few of my friend's blogs and the Doctor condemning it in Utopia.

---
Martha: Is that what happens though, seriously? You just get bored of us one day and disappear?
Captain Jack: Not if you're blonde.
Martha: Oh, she was blonde! Oh, what a surprise!
The Doctor: You two, we're at the end of the universe. Okay?! Right at the edge of knowledge itself! And you're busy... blogging!!
---

You got to love Doctor Who <3

Today was uneventful in terms of events - but eventful in the ups and downs of my emotions. At times, I felt like bawling from unhappiness or was so angry at myself and/or college, at others I was laughing and smiling with friends.

Two major problems in my head at the moment:

1) The constant debate in my head whether to have physiotherapy or an operation to fix my knee. I hate my knee. I want a new one.

2) The absence of someone. I think that's self explanitory.

Any other topics running through my head are pretty normal for someone of my age I should think.

However, all of these 'ingredients' are just making, what seems, a big recipe for disastor. Thinking about that - just makes me wants to cry -break down with pressure - give up and give in.

And when I realise that shouldn't happen, that I have to go on, keep up my ever running out stamina...I sigh, have a cuppa, and think 'Fuck this - I'm off to Hogwarts!'